On the way down...

* Music is what feelings sound like.*

I usually take the same route home; a brisk walk through the woods, on to the parking lot, cross the bridge and I am home. Today, though, I took a bus. I didn't think it would change anything except that I would be home a few minutes early. I paid my fare and looked for a empty spot in the bus. The only seat vacant was right in front of this little old lady. Bless her heart, she was nearing 80. She wore this grey sweater vest with a dainty pearl necklace paired with some floral pants and silver slingbacks. She was deep in a conversation with this younger man, telling him about how her husband proposed to her in 1951. I smiled politely at her and took my seat. Realizing how long of a detour the bus was going to make, I decided to pull out my Blackberry; put my music list on shuffle and sit back and relax.

"Oh, I just died in your arms tonight, it must have been something you said", sang T-Pain. A face appeared in front me; a face so familiar at one point in my life and yet so distant from my life now. I closed my eyes to catch another glimpse of that face I used to cherish; I couldn't help but smile. I could picture his face just bobbing his head to the song and singing it on his way to work.

A few minutes passed.

"It's a quarter after 1, I'm all alone and I need you now" Lady Antebellum said. I remembered the pain like it happened yesterday; the times when all I've wanted was to pick up that phone and just have someone who really knew me on the other line flooded back like a wave crashing against the shore.

"Bole Chudiyan, bole kangna { My bangles say, my bracelet say}

Haai main ho gayi tera saajna { I have become yours sweetheart}

Tere bin jiyo naiyo lag da main te margaiya { Without you, I wouldn't have life; I would die.}

Le jaa le jaa, Dil le jaa le jaa {Take away, take away, take my heart away}

Le jaa le jaa, Soniye le jaa le jaa {Take away, take away, oh radiant one, take it away.}" started singing Kareena Kapoor.

"Since when do you listen to Bollywood songs?"was his first question.

"There's lot of things you don't know about me. I've fell in love with Bollywood about 2 years ago and that is still one of my favorite songs."

"Didn't think it'd be your kind of music, that's all."

I started humming the melody.

"Sing it to me, please."

While my voice was trying to keep in tune with the melody, I saw his eyes gleaming; he knew what those words meant and how quickly those powerful words could entrance a person. He had finally hope.

"Drew looks at me; I fake a smile so he won't see" began Taylor Swift. A pull at my heartstrings. Granted his name wasn't Drew but the feeling was the same. I felt the longing; the need.

"I'm bringing sexy back; them other dudes don't know how to act", wailed Justin. I sensed a smile curling up slightly on my lips; he used to sing that song out loud. Crazy thing is he was bringing something back; a blend of sexiness and just plain goofiness. What a killer combination.

That's the thing about music; we often associate a small moment in time with a song we loved at that point. A heartbreak or a tragic moment in life can be healed through music and that's the thing about memories as well. It can be 5 years that you haven't felt such emotions but as soon as you hear that fateful melody, everything comes rushing back. Some people might hate it but I love it. It reminds me that I am human, first and foremost and that feeling things can be okay.

As I sat there on my way home, I felt things I haven't felt in ages. As I was getting up to get off my bus, I excused myself to the young man to see if he could remove her groceries that was blocking my way out. She looked up at me, smiled widely and said, with her slighty southern accent: "Ahh l'amour! Quand tu nous tiens!" {Oh love! When you have a hold on us.}

I smiled at her and got off the bus. As I made my way home, I wondered how she knew. Was I that obvious?

Day 7: Letter to your ex

{Part of the 30-day Challenge}

*Note: I can't write to my ex-boyfriend because he has a letter for him in the near future so I thought I'd write little notes for all my ex-boyfriends.*

Dear H,

Your time is not near; your letter shall soon come.

x

Dear M,

I laugh everytime I think about us; I remember everyone asking me what was it that I saw in you. They couldn't believe that you had landed a girl since you had never dated anyone before me but I just kept telling them "I don't know." And to this day, I still don't know. You were nice to me and you just made me feel at ease and I think it was kinda flattering that I had been the first girl you liked. I mean who wouldn't be flattered? I had a blast with you, from swimming at the beach under the rain to making up our own little number language to sneaking out on Thursday nights, to go clubbing. You were my friend, first and foremost, and in the end, thats what you ended up being. I know it was the distance that killed us in the end but I am glad we stayed on good terms. I am glad that you can talk to me about your problems and vice versa.

9687 374363, 2926

(Your Friend, Ayan)

Dear P,

You were the wildcard guy; I didn't know what I was getting into when I met you. I thought we would have a cup of coffee and be our own separate ways since we met on a blind date. But I was pleasantly surprised. You had made me laugh and kept me on my toes. You were older than me so maybe that's why I was most attracted to you; and sooner than I had thought, I had fallen in love with you. I mean, it was kind of hard not to. I wanted to thank you; thanks to you, I knew what love really felt like. you helped me grow from a teen to a woman. You loved me, you cared for me, you protected me and for that, I'll be forever grateful. I'm sorry my mother never accepted you; you were ready to spend your life with me but I was too young. I guess your clock was ticking a bit faster than mine. I didn't fight for us and let you go; and soon, you met someone else. When I heard that you moved on pretty quickly, it kinda stung but now, I couldn't be more happier for you. You met the love of your life, you married her and now you guys are proud parents of two gorgeous babies that have your baby blue eyes. I thought the day I would run into you would have been awkward but I'm glad we were both mature enough to be civilized. I hope you are happy and honestly that is all that matters.

Sincerely,

Ayan

Day 3: Letter to your parents

{Part of the 30-day Challenge}

Dear dad birth father,

I thank you for loving me and caring for me for the first 10 years of my life; for that I will be eternally grateful. You know what you did to my mother and all this time, instead of hating you, I hated her. Instead of blaming you, I blamed her and I can never forgive myself for that.

When you blatantly abandoned us, and please do not get upset AGAIN over the word abandoned because I mean, let's call a spade a spade; you abandoned us. So when you abandoned us, my whole world crashed. I felt like a piece of me had died; it's like someone had stabbed, cut me open, took a part of my heart and left me open. I couldn't think of a reason why in the world, would you give up on your family? What could be more important than spending the rest of your life with the woman whom you promised a life together to and your adorable little girl who loved you so much? My only guess is that you were seriously blind but now it's your loss.

You broke a good woman's heart and made her so cold that she didn't consider being close to another man for years; you missed out on all your daughter's love and affection. You missed out on birthdays, special occasions, holidays, and everything in between. You missed out on us.

Now, you try to come back into our lives as if none of it ever happened, but news flash it did. I hope that you can read all the anger and the hurt in my letter because I am that angry. I have been angry for longer than I can remember and I realise now, that God had a different plan for us. You were chosen to follow your path and us, ours. Somehow, this has made us stronger. My mother finally found a man who loves her more than life itself and I found peace at last; I found peace within a recomposed family. I have a mother who always wants my best and a step-dad who loves me like his own daughter; what more could I ask for?

As I said, I respect you for the first 10 years of my life but please do not expect more from me for I will not be able to give it to you. You can't expect to pop whenever you want in and out of my life and try to control any aspect of it. You surrendered your rights to any part of my life the day you chose to give up on us. I hope you live a wonderful life with your wives and your children. I wish you nothing but the best and as of right now, I'm officially letting go.

Your daughter.

P.S: If you could please take off my mom's pictures off your wall, that'd be great. It is getting kinda creepy. I'm just saying.

A different kind of a Father's Day...

Today is Father's Day. I've been reading a lot of people's posts about how great their father was, is and always will be and I'm super happy for them. Yet, I don't know how to feel.

I should be happy that I have a step-father who cares about me and who treats me like his own daughter and in a way I am but I cannot help but think about my father at this point.

When I was young, my father was my hero. He meant the world and beyond to me. I was his little princess and he did everything he could to take care of me while my mother was getting some treatments for her diabetes in Europe.

When I was 2 or 3, I sustained a serious injury that led to a 3rd degree burn on my left leg. There was nobody to look after me and I was a snarky little one so I went into the kitchen and put my leg in some hot oil that just came off the stovetop that was left on the floor. {Sorry for the gory deets.} I don't remember any of it, thankfully but right after my incident, my maternal grandfather lost his life. My family called my mother and she was on the first flight back home. After my grandpa's funeral, my mother came to find an injured daughter. She decided right there and then, that my father wasn't able to take care of me and she left me with my aunt and my grandmother.

After that, I only saw my father on Fridays. In Djibouti, our weekends was only on Fridays. So every Friday, he used to pick me up and we went to go get ice creams and just hang out. Sometimes, he dropped by on weekdays but Fridays was usually our days. And that was our deal when my mother was abroad and she was abroad ALOT. When she was home, I had a regular lifestyle. I slept in my own bed and had my own little dolls. And that was my life until I was about 9.

When I was 9, my parents decided AT FIRST, to move out to Canada in order to rekindle their marriage. My mother and I went before my dad since he had to sell our home and everything else. After a year passed my father never showed up. He preferred to stay back home with his family and he chose to lead a different lifestyle. He chose to become polygamous. So my mother divorced him.

To say that I was hurt by all of this is the least I can come up with. I was destroyed; I was pained. I was so resentful. I was angry. I was so angry at my mother for years instead of being angry at him. I didn't talk to him for years. For 8 years, I only heard of him when his father died {RIP} and on 2 birthdays; if you can even count them as birthdays. I'm born in december and he would call me in April. I'd turn 20 and he thought I was turning 16.

I kinda reconnected with him when I went back to Djibouti in 2006; but he had already spewed his venom. He told his side of the family that he has been taking care of me financially even though he didn't send me one dime in 8 years. To think he's been fooling his WHOLE family hurt me because they thought I was an ungrateful child who didn't care to come visit her dad or his family. I didn't care that he lied to them; I just cared that he lied about me. That's when I realised something. My dad was a complete stranger to me. At that same time, my mom FINALLY:) got remarried to this wonderful man that became my step-father.

To this day, my dad and I talk rarely. We spend 2 years not talking and then he'll pop back for a few months and try to control my life because he thinks he's intitled to it then he'll walk from my life again. On this father's day, I think about what my dad has taught me?

He didn't teach me how to ride a bike; I don't know how to ride a bike. He didn't teach me how to read; he didn't teach me right from wrong; he didn't teach me how to drive. He didn't teach me about boys. He didn't teach me how to love properly. He didn't teach me that family is essential and should be always cherished. All I know and mostly who I am, my mother taught me to the best of her abilities. So this father's day, I am not thinking about my birth father. I want to celebrate my mother and my step-dad.

My step-dad who, in a matter of a couple of years, managed to give me all the love and affection I've ever wanted when it was so easy to not recognize me as his daughter. He could've easily hated me and didn't want to care about me but he chose not to. It's stellar how this ONE man managed to bring bliss and happiness to my mother and I; my mother and I were on shaky grounds before he came in and made us a real family.

Sure he didn't hold my hand when I was scared; he didn't teach me how to read or to ride a bike; but what he taught me is worth much more than everything my birth father ever did for me. He taught me how to trust in men; that all men are not dogs who are out to hurt us. He taught me that true love exists even at 50 years old; he taught me that some people care. He taught me that family means more than wealth; he taught me that and so much more.

If there is one thing I am grateful for on this Father's Day, is to have him in my life. To know that no matter what, he'll always be there for me and he'll love me unconditionally. For years, I asked myself why did God put me and my mother through that hell; now I'm sure that in the end, my step-dad was our silver lining. And I love him so much for that.

"A father is not the one who made you; he is the one who teaches you how to be YOU."

Undecisive yet again

Decisions are hard to make for me; I am such an indecisive person and it's not just "Oh, I really don't know if I want to spend the rest of my life with this person or not" kinda decision; it's more like "Shit! What kind of flavoured jam DO I WANT? Somebody, please HELP MEEEEEEEEEEE!".

I spend hours just staring at the jam section in my grocery store {when I'm alone of course; when I'm grocery shopping with others, I just go for what they take. I really am not picky when it comes to food.}

So the decision I have been struggling with lately is whether or not I should delete my Facebook account. I know deleting Facebook is like social suicide, like Facebook is "the place" to be.

*Is it really? Or has Twitter trumped it from its social throne? Welcome to the random thoughts that are constantly in my head.*

But lately, I have been known to close my account like everyday until late at night, I hear Facebook slowly calling me to open my account back up because IT KNOWS IT'S MY CRACK! I am OBSSESSED with Crackbook! I don't want to close it because that's the only link I have to all my friends that I have left back home; seeing their pictures and all of their crazy wall posts I will definitely miss.

What has brought to me to this point, might you ask? Well, Facebook is slowly trying to ruin my life. Now, I am not one to be hurt when people "defriend" me. I have defriended my fair share of people; the high school prima donna,who you haven't said two words to all high school long, who suddenly friends you like you two were as close as B&R {Batman and Robin}; the guy you dated a few years ago and you're trying to be "friends" with although that's not working out too well and the old coworker from a previous job that you quit 5 years ago. But recently, a person who was close to me "defriended" me; someone I actually cared about, who I thought was my friend, and who I lived with for about a year took time to write me off her life. I had no idea how much the "unfriend" button could actually hurt.

Then yesterday night, I ran across the inevitable; a little love note that made my insides feel like being inside a jumping castle. A love note that would have been mine if things were like they used to be.Then a picture, smiling faces; hands touching; love oozing out of every pore of their bodies. Granted, I am not still in love with said-so person; I have moved on quite well but I'm the type of girl who likes to pretend that exes mourn her for these few reasons and so many more of course:

- I am a mean cook; my grandma taught me that if you're willing to get into a man's heart, you must first go through his stomach! Thanks Mima! I love cooking like it's nobody's business and I believe that nothing says sorry more than a mississippi mud pie.

- I love watching sports. Granted it's not like I'd rather watch sports than say, Gossip Girl or How I met your mother but I am quite a fanatic. Sometimes, my passion for football runs deeper than ID's, only when Barcelona is playing though. {ID is my bf's nickname.}

- I send little care packages when I'm traveling for a long period of time or when they're away for a while.

Now after seeing the proof that he did move on, (the worst part of it all is that I don't even have him as a friend on Crackbook, one of my best friend does). I'm usually not the kind of girl who asks all of her friends to "defriend" her ex because she needs closure but after seeing what I saw last night, I wish I would have. Oh Well!

I just don't want to run into these kinda awkward situations or feelings for that matter; I hate anything awkward. I just feel like it's maybe time to delete it completely. I don't know. Maybe it's time to turn the page. Maybe I'm just freaking out for no reason. Maybe I'm right. Whoa! Too much to handle on an empty stomach!

(YES, MY BRAIN IS STRANGELY CONNECTED TO MY STOMACH; SHUT UP!)

I'll just sleep on it for tonight; what do you guys think? Any advice would be great! Danke in advance.