He said, she said

On a lazy Tuesday afternoon, at a bus station.

She: "Sorry I'm late. I slept over at N's house and the bus was late."

He: "Yeah yeah, you always use the bus excuse. How long has it been now? You really need to find yourself something new to say."

She: "Shut up, okay! Seriously, the bus WAS late. So, should we just go check out what movie is playing?"

He: "Lead the way."

Inside the theater.

She: "Ok, so the movie doesn't start for an hour. What should we do? Dude, let's play air hockey."

He: "All right but you should know you're headed up against a reigning champion. Are you sure you wanna do this? I'm just saying, you might get beat."

She: " Are you done bragging yet? Cause it's time for a can of Whoop-Ass."

He: "Wow! That sentence is probably about as old as you are. Then it's on...."

Both: "Like Donkey Kong."

Just a small moment in time, but that was then.

If you could read my mind love....

What a tale these thoughts would tell!

Have you ever met a guy that was a total stranger yet you couldn't stop thinking about him? You know, he could be the guy at the coffee shop you always go to in the morning; the guy on the bus/train/subway that always seems to be headed your way or the guy at the gym working out besides you albeit I've never seen any hot boys around me when I used to go the gym.

For me, it was Neighborhood Boy. I think I was in the 9th grade and I first saw him on the bus on the way home after school. I was sitting by myself and I was listening to Janet Jackson's "Someone to call my lover", which was my jam at that point and I was blankly staring outside the window, dreaming about finding a lover of my own. I've always felt like I was older in my mind so being head-over-heels-so-in-love-that-I-want-to-skip-down-the-streets-and-yell-it-out-to-the-world-how-I-feel-and-not-care-if-people-think-i'm-a-nutjob was a thought I could wrap my mind around. Keep in mind that I was a hormonal teen and all that mattered at that point, was finding cute boys that I could flirt with. While aimlessly searching for a cute face that I could probaly do some hot, steamy, eye-gazing with, I fell on him. All of sudden, my heart just dropped.

He was getting on in the front of the bus and he was wearing a Kobe Bryant Lakers jersey, an XXL white t-shirt, baggy jean capris and white air force ones; how I remember that, I don't know. To this day, I still don't know how old he was but it seemed like he was about my age. He wasn't tall, he sure wasn't built like an athlete but there was something about him. Something that kept on pulling me deeper and deeper; I think it was his smile. He had bright, white teeth and a little cute dimple on the left cheek. His eyes sent multiple chills down my spine. You could say at that point, I've been hooked. Anywho, we stared at each other for what seemed like an eternity {more like 3/4 of a second}, I willed myself to look away because I was a 1/4 of a second away from looking positively coy to "OMG! Why is that chick staring at me? Creepster Alert".

So, our eyes met a couple more times until I realized we were getting off at the same bus stop. I got off the bus and tried to walk faster than him down the hill just so I could see where he would go next; I arrived at my mailbox and saw that he ended up living across the park. I went home, sat on my bed and my train of thoughts went along the lines of: "This dude is smoking. Like hot-smoking. What am I gonna do? How can I approach him? Should I play it cool and just give little smiles and glances until he gets the point? Or should I just go up to him and tell him how I feel? Yeah, I'm pretty ballsy- I say out loud how I feel. That's right; I'm a badass!

Hey, HOW DO I FEEL, by the way? Is this what love feels like? Am I nuts? Is he going to think I'm nuts? Should I just let it go? How can I be in love when I'm only 14? Why is my stomach growling? Have I eaten yet? What do I want for dinner? I feel like having some homemade chocolate chip cookies. Would he like it if I made him some chocolate chip cookies? Why am I thinking about baking his ass some cookies? If I want to bake cookies, which I don't by the way, I'll bake cookies for me. Who is he, anyway? Why haven't I seen him around before? I've lived here for a year now.

Could he be thinking about me at this moment? Could I have catched his eye? Is it weird to crush on someone you've never known? Is he having the same convo in his head right now? No, he is not that stupid; why would he be thinking about you right now? You're crazy, you know that right? Why am I talking to myself right now? Okay, time to go eat some food; I'mma starvin'."

Everyday for the next few weeks, I made sure to take the bus at the same exact time just to make sure I didn't miss him but to no avail, I didn't catch a glimpse of him. It pretty went steep downhill at that point, and I've done or said some embarrassing things that the me today would cringe if a girl ever tried to pull off this kinda stuff. My best friend K was also crushing hard on another boy who lived in her neighborhood too, at that same time so we thought we'd be ingenious and try to tell our significant crushes how we felt. The bright idea also included that I do the "deed" for her and vice versa. I know, INGENIOUS!

One day after school, we followed her crush towards their homes. Since he lived a few houses away from her, I catched up to him and told him how she felt. I want to say that it turned out good for her, but it didn't. She kept her side of the deal and went up to NB and told him how I felt. I had so many fantasies about him, coming up to me and telling me that he felt the same way or that he would swiftly grab me and kiss me 'til I couldn't muster my breath. Yes I have a vivid imagination. My world soon came crashing down; he never spoke to me LIKE EVER; well i certainly wouldn't if I was him and some girl's best friend came up to me and said: "Umm..yeah, you know, my friend there? Well yeah, she kinda likes you but she's kinda shy. Umm do you mind talking to her next time you see her? That would really mean a lot to her, mm okay? Thanks!"

If our eyes happen to cross for like, even a second, he would look away then he would always have a laugh whenever he was with friends and looked at me directly. I heard after a while that he didn't want to talk to me because I was a "chubster" and that I probably wouldn't it give it up but I never found out for sure. It made me feel so self-conscious .There was a lot of whatifs going through my head for such a long time. About a year ago, we ended up being friends on Facebook; he added me.

I felt like I had gotten such satisfaction on almost 8 years of a feeling of rejection; it made my inner 14-old, hormonal teen take revenge on a guy who wouldn't give her the time of day 8 years ago but was asking me about how my days went on FB. To say that I refreshed his memory about who I really was and then told him that if he wasn't so shallow, he would have met a great girl and probably met a friend for life. Then I deleted his ass. Okay, so I might have been a little vindictive but it just felt good putting his ass straight back on the line.

Do you remember any strangers from your past?

I remember.

As I sit on my bed, checking my bank account balance online while mentally making my grocery's list {I'm a multi-tasker:) }, I sometimes wish I had a machine just to go back in time for a few hours. I wish I was 6 or 7 again. I had no worries back then. All I thought about was my grandmother's mint candy, that were scattered at the bottom of her purse, being the most popular girl in my class, climbing trees (I've always felt I was a monkey in a previous lifetime) and ice cream.

My grandmother is the nicest woman I have ever met and since I am one of her first grandchildren, she adores me. She always had a preference for me ever since I was born; my mother wanted to name me Idmane or Abyan originally but my grandmother asked her to name me Ayan, which in my birth tongue, means "bright" or "the lucky one". My name also means "God's gift"; " Peace" and "Center of the soul". I believe the meaning of names can predict who you are deep down inside. It's like my friend Paul; I have known him for some time now so technically there should be no way I would fumble on his name, but almost every time I call him Nathan. Go figure, he always looked like a Nathan to me; until the day I started looking up names definitions for all my loved ones. Turns out that Paul really means "small" and Nathan means "God Given". I then knew what I really saw in him and it's the same with my grandma; It's like she could foresee the person I was meant to be by choosing the perfect name for me.

she is the only person who, to this day, sees me as a grownup. Everybody else in my family stills sees me as a child and think that I know nothing about life. My mima, as I called her, lived in a pretty big house but what I loved the most, was the big juniper tree on the front porch. She would set a few piled mattresses on the floor and plastic chairs so that if us children decided to play out on the porch, an adult could sit outside and keep an eye on us. She would sit there countless hours, staring at us play around. I remember climbing that big juniper tree, hiding in the branches until she came and sat at the foot of the tree, then I would jump down to try and scare her. But she never fell for it; she always knew I was hiding in that tree and she always feared that I would break a limb. In order for to get me down from the tree, she always bribed me with mint candy; what can I say? I am a sucker {pun intended :)} for candy.

I remember my father always taking me out for ice cream every single Friday; it was our weekly tradition. I was a wise little girl and I knew that if I batted my eyelashes a little and gave my father the biggest smile I could master, he would be putty in my hands and you best believe that I took full advantage of that. It wasn't long before I was smiling left and right in order to get a bigger dose of weekly ice cream. I remember being a girly girl with my little braids and my paisley dresses, just being happy. I remember sitting in my grandpa's lap (May God Rest his Soul) while trying to take my first steps. I remember litterally pigging out on chocolate { another great love of mine}. I remember my first day of school, I was so nervous and when I get nervous, I get a serious case of the giggles. I remember writing my first letter; it was a letter to my mother telling her I loved her.I remember a time in my life where life was just easy; I was carefree. When I look back upon these pictures, I really miss being a child.


Do you ever miss being a child?