Being alone has never bothered me; I was born an only child. I grew up basically with my thoughts as a sibling and that was fine by me. I know that when I was younger, I was eager for a little brother or a little sister but at some point, I kinda gave up on the idea.
There is a part of me that has always secretely nurtured the thought of ending up alone and not alone, as in "I'm going to die without ever knowing love and having 77 cats named Roberto" but alone as being independent, being able to just up and leave if it suited my fancy and not have anybody to answer to. But then, there's a big part of me that screams for companionship and love and everything that comes along with it.
That part of me feels like since I've been alone all my life, I just really need someone to complete me. I want a loving husband with beautiful children with a quaint little home and a white picket fence. Is that too much to ask for? Yet is that going to be ever enough? Can a person want two different things at the same time?
One day, I went to grab lunch at a french terrace and all I felt were people's stares as they sat by me. At first, the waiter was wondering if I was meeting someone and when I assured him that A) no, I wasn't meeting anyone and NO, I was not a nut job, SERIOUSLY and B) Yes, I would prefer the table on the terrace, where EVERYBODY could see that I was alone.
Customers came 2 by 2, 3 by 3 and even in larges groups and as they sat by, they all had this weirdly fascination with me." Who was I? Why was I alone? Did I need someone to talk to? " and all I thought was, "Damn! Can't a girl just get some ceasar salad?" Did people really see me as a poor, loneseome girl who just needed the comfort of cucumbers and feta cheese because she had nobody else to talk to?
I felt like a spotlight was on me; like they thought I would just get up any second and say "You're on candid camera! I'm not eating alone; this was all just a big joke!". And it wasn't like I was transgressing any kind of laws. I was just- gasp- enjoying my salad and people watching.
Did I break THE cardinal rule of french dining, "NEVER EAT ALONE or you might be seen as desperate." ? What was the bad thing about eating alone, or sleeping alone, or going to the movies alone or shopping alone? Was it so bad to be wanting to just be alone?
I remember the first time I went to the movies by myself; it felt so liberating. Granted, I won't go to the movies by myself all the time but once in awhile, I like to think selfishly and just be by myself. I also remember telling my friends that I went to the movies alone and their reactions was out of proportion. It was as if I had told them that I had contracted the worst kind of disease. A few times a week, I like to take hour-long walks around my little town and I like to recharge my batteries like that; I come home feeling refreshed and with a clear mind. So was I nuts or were people just completely oblivious to the fact that being alone sometimes, feeds the soul?
The way I see it- eating solo is not desperate nor it is foolish. It's perfect actually. There is no awkward conversation as you try to work around your little ceasar salad or try to fill the silence with words; plus you can order however many desserts you want without getting the "WHERE THE HELL DOES SHE PUT ALL OF THIS?" kinda look. I like to think that I'm on a date with myself; I can sort out my thoughts and most importantly, I'm getting to know myself.
What do you guys think of dining alone or just being alone? Does it frighten you or on the contrary, does it do loads of good to you, your body, your mind and soul?