Day 3: Letter to your parents

*Note: I struggled to write this for the past 4 days; I just couldn't figure out if I'd be even able to write anything remotely close to how I really feel. I thought 1.000.000 times whether I should publish it or not, then again, I need to heal some wounds. Since my parents are divorced, there will be a letter to my mom, my birth father and my dad. If you wish to see more from me, do not fret as there will be other posts coming up later on today. :)*

{Part of the 30-day Challenge}

Dear mom,

I wish I could say that I was the daughter that you've always wanted me to be; I wish I could be the daughter you'd be finally proud of; I wish I could be the daughter who wouldn't lie to you so much but truth is, I'm not. I'm a chronic liar; when it comes to you, I am. I've been lying to you ever since, well since I was 13. I've been lying to you about who I am, how I feel, what I've been doing, who I've been seeing and anything in between. I wish I could say that I feel guilty lying to you like this, but in all honesty, it has become as easy as breathing. Lies flow out of my mouth as fast as water pouring out of a fountain. Why do I lie so much?

Truth is, I've never felt like you really saw me for who I really am; maybe it's my fault, maybe it's neither of our faults but I've always felt like I could never be just "me" with you. Growing up, I haven't had much memories of you; you were always abroad and I don't recall ever spending time with you. I think I just locked away all my early memories with you because it hurt too much to think that my mother would rather be away than to spend time with me. Now, I know you had to leave for health reasons and I don't blame you for being away. However, I feel like I had to learn how to grow without you and when we moved to Canada because of your relationship with my father, I felt like I was going away with a stranger; please keep in mind that this isn't me trying to hurt you. This was just long overdue.

You then proceeded to make all these huge sacrifices for me; you worked double shifts while going to school just so that I could have a brighter future; just so that I could grow up having choices; just so that I could have a different life than yours and for that, I will be forever grateful. I understand how much you suffered and how you used to plaster a smile on your face even at times when all you wanted to do was break down and cry but you didn't; you held on for me, just so I could see that no matter what happens in life, you need to keep your head high, and to never give up. You were trying to provide something huge for me and I thank you so much for that.

But Mom, I didn't need you to provide heaven and earth for me. I would given up all those times hanging out with my friends if that meant spending 5 minutes with you where I wouldn't worry about being me. I would have given it all up if it meant you'd be proud of me for one second. I distinctly remember my high school graduation and how I was so excited to see the joy on your face, like every other parent attending the ceremony. After I had gotten my diploma, I looked out for you and ran to hug you. I remember asking you if you were proud of me, and your only reply was "Why couldn't you be on the honor roll like all those kids?" I could tell you how much that hurt but words could not be enough. There'd be tons of examples to tell you how much your words and your attitude had a rippling effect on me but I won't dwelve into them because it'd be opening up wounds that I've tried scarcely to heal.

There were times where I blamed you; times where all I was needing was your love and attention. And since you were kind of oblivious to my needs, I sought out every way to hurt you. now I know that you were brought up differently. To you, love and attention meant "I am feeding you, caring for you, providing for you; that's love." Now, I understand you but I fear that it might be too late for me to change the errors of my way. Sometimes, I wonder what would my life be like if I was the daughter you planned me to be? I know for sure, you'd be proud of me; you would listen to me, you would weigh my words instead of just dismissing them because "I'm too young to understand."

I am not too young to understand anything; I know I've only lived 22 years of life on this Earth but I've felt so many things, seen so many things but I failed to accomplish one thing: that is to make you proud. I don't know if I'll ever manage to do so but all I know, is that I am sorry. Sorry for the way I treated you; sorry if I never made you proud of me; sorry for wishing something bad would happen to you because I was hurting deep down. I know I wasn't the easiest person to handle growing up with all my attitude problems. I love you more than words could ever explain and I'll always will; you're my mother. You gave me birth and you cared for me when it was easier to just leave me with my dad; you loved me in your own way and you'll always want the best for me and honestly, that's all that matters at this point. I don't want to waste any more years because I've learnt that time is precious and it should not be wasted so here's your crash course in Ayan 101:

- I am almost 23 and I still don't know what I want to be growing up. One day, I feel like just writing and the next, being a makeup artist. My heart wants so many different things that I don't know where to go; I'm still learning to know who I am after years and years of repressing my true nature so please bear with me while I figure it out.

- I know you want me to become a lawyer or someone high-profile but I want to be eager to get up in the morning and doing a job I love so please forgive me, because it is highly doubtful that I'll become a lawyer, or a doctor with a PHD.

- I know you always taught me that I don't need a man to depend on and that I should be focusing on school and my career but I have to tell you mom, I am a sucker for love. Love is what keeps me going at the end of the day, knowing that there is someone at the end of the day who I could just lean on, that is my driving force.

- I like to watch Sex and the City and Friends whenever I have the blues.

- I love food if you couldn't tell and nothing, and I mean, NOTHING, will make me love it less; even if it's Georges Clooney asking me to hate it. I will not. Oh, and I might have a serious man crush on Georges Clooney. I'm just saying.

I don't want you to think that you've made my life a living hell because you haven't; I guess I'm a little too over-emotional and a little vindictive so I kept all the negative thoughts in my head instead of just letting them go. So here I am, letting go once and for all. I have shared some wonderful memories with you; you've made me laugh; you've shared your life story with me which made me understand you and where you were coming from. You taught me so many valuable life lessons that I'll always cherish. I hope we can mend these broken bridges between us and finally have the relationship I've always dreamed of.

Your daughter who loves you more than herself.