Tuesday, May 04, 2010

Fighting fair

"Part of the happiness in life consists not in fighting battles, but in avoiding them. A masterly retreat in itself is a victory."

Ever since the dawn of times, games were meant to be played. Opposite teams always regulated a game plan to stick in order to take down their opponents and win the battle. Relationships are sort of a game in the sense, meaning that just like games like football, if there is no structure to resolve conflicts, then all hell breaks loose. But when hurt and anger is blinding you, is it really possible to fight fair when it comes to relationships?

There seems to be a thin line between love and hate. When two people fight, they could hate the other's guts one second and be madly in love the next; you all know well the proverb 
"All is fair in love and war". What I understand from that saying is that when someone hurts you then it's okay to turn it back onto them and I heavily disagree with that. If someone hurts you badly , if you stoop to their level and try to hurt them as much as they've hurt you, aren't you just the same as them? Shouldn't one of the two be the bigger person and try to balance out things ?

I have my 
"fight-fair" advice that helped a lot through fights in my relationships and they've been proven to work. I think that often when people get mad or upset, they say things they are most likely to regret later on so my advice would be:
- Calm down and leave the room, and talk when you've at least cleared your head so you don't say things you do not mean.

- Listen! I cannot stress enough how important it is to listen. I don't mean to listen from one ear and think in our head that no matter what, we're right. Sometimes we're wrong and unless we listen to how we make our significant other feel, we won't ever question our actions. Sometimes it's good to take a step back and see things from a different angle.

- Do not ignore the other person's feelings; your significant other is within their rights to feel how ever they feel; do not make them feel guilty about that. If you do not agree, let them explain.

- Do not elevate your voice. If you feel like you cannot help yourself from raising your voice, then have your discussion in a sort-of public place like a parc so that you can keep your voice in control in fear that people might stare at you.

- Bar physical and VERBAL abuse. The first one is pretty explanatory; the second meaning you do not need to insult or put down the person in front of you in order to explain your feelings or try to prove your point.

- Do not,under any circumstance, assume something unless you have the clear proof. That is the worst thing you can do to ruin a relationship. Trust is essential; without trust, a relationship is doomed from the get-go.

- Do not threaten to put the relationship on the line if the other party doesn't see things your way when discussing; that would make them run to the door faster than you can say "The end".

- Do not bring the past into the present conflict, it just creates more drama . If you're fighting about "who-said-whats" then bringing up the fact that there were no more PB and J sandwiches in the fridge last time won't really help your cause. Focus on your current crisis instead of bringing previous disagreements.

- Last but not least, respect each other and the reasons why we feel the way we feel. Respect goes a long way and it's primary in fights. Keep in mind the reasons you fell in love with your significant other; it usually helps the dialogue a little bit more.

If we all follow little rules like these and just talk like adults, we wouldn't have these big awful fights that we oh-so regret the next day.

That's my take on fighting fair, 
what's yours?

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